Discovery... (Spiritual -not Space Shuttle)

While I had been growing aware (over the past few months) of the realization I am about to relay to you, it was only after a two day trip to Abilene w/ Ron Peacock (Pastor of Northwood Baptist Church who I originally worked with in YoungLife), the wedding he presided over, and the subsequent sermon he gave on the Sunday we returned, that my thoughts had become coherent enough for sufficient expression.

Throughout life's certainly unpredictable course, it seems there are points along the road that God has designated "OK, -That's Far Enough" areas. And oh, look, there happens to be a nice comfy chair beside the sign. And directly in front of the chair, is a full length mirror, which is strange. -And what an odd place for a chair and a mirror... on such an empty stretch of desert highway... So I take a seat, and I have no one to look at except me.

Some rather intricate circumstances involving several friends, have helped establish an interesting point of realization. Or, 'peculiarantary factor', if you will... (impromptu definition) -A basic component upon which a multi-façaded understanding may be formed, often necessitating the removal of -well- pride, I guess.

I began to notice an uncommon amount of anger which started at the beginning of each day and eventually carried through the night, and was right there to greet me in the morning whether I had slept soundly or not. I wasn't used to this type of pervasive anger, so I didn't know exactly how to deal with it, which as you might imagine, also helped fuel some of my frustration. This was a dark time for me, and you can ask any one of my close friends how much it affected my daily life and attitude. I only describe it at length because I just want you to know how unfamiliar I was to this consuming emotion. Basically, I knew deep down inside that someone that I was close to, was making bad decisions that I couldn't do anything about. If you have kids, you know exactly what I'm trying to say.

A month and a bit goes by

I finally had enough one Saturday morning, and stayed at my kitchen table... quiet... and the Lord kinda showed me what a fool I had been, and what I was so upset about wasn't anything new, and that 'little' bit of anger and frustration that I had been feeling -even though it was just about as much as I could handle- was just my taste of a drop from the bitter ocean that is God's experience with human kind. And I began to realize how often, and how long I had been treating God the same way I felt I had been treated. That was when everything seemed to fall into place. All sorts of things were brought a bit closer to my dark eyes, and my narrow vision made wider... to put free will, and emotions, and hurt, in a frame that no longer clashes with the wall of Sovereignty, Justice, and Love it is hung on. I began to see how He uses our feelings to help us understand how He feels, and how much restraint it requires to love some one enough not to interfere with their willful choices.

Indeed, how unbecoming of us... that repeatedly, we overlook the position of Love, in which God has willingly set Himself. I wonder how many times our questioning of God and His lack of intervention has returned to us with a roaring silence... Not (as some would surmise) for the purpose of divine sadistic enjoyment, but for the purpose of simply, and very tangibly explaining His patient grace to us. It's sometimes so blindingly obvious, that we fail to remember who gave us that capacity to "feel" in the first place. Perhaps, He is giving us the privilege of understanding more fully, His workings of mercy toward us as Christians, wretched as we are.

In other words, maybe He allows us the experience of painful situations, to give us our own first person view of how we have treated Him, -and, just how immensely kind He has been with us. What better way for God to illustrate to an ill-tempered, desensitized, and unforgiving Church, than to show them just how little it takes to rile us up... make us uncomfortable... and shake our fists in rage over petty injustices? This notion has become... strikingly clear to me, as I have experienced a drawn out, but none the less pointed example.


Thanks for the read, sorry for the wait.

Comments and Feedback Appreciated...
-Joel K